Ataraxia
by Heleentje
Summary: While floating between dimensions, Judai reflects.


My second GX fanfic. I'm not too sure about the outcome, but I somehow like it anyway. Part of this was written using my notes from my philosophy class, but most of it is based on my own ideas. 

Dedicated to Wendy. 

**Disclaimer:** None of the characters and places mentioned are mine. I am not making money by writing this. 

* * *

**Ataraxia: **/ætə'ɹæksiə/ Detached and balanced state of mind signifying a trancendence of the material world 

* * *

It wasn't like he didn't regret anything, because he definitely did. But even if he could, he still wouldn't change anything that happened in the Dark World. The experience had been horrible, but erasing it would only prove he had learned nothing. He had been stupid, naive. Not every story had a happy ending, especially not his. But that was part of who he was, 'cause after all, human beings aren't defined by the good times, but by the bad times. The true nature of a person only appears when everything goes wrong. How well did he know that. 

Haou. Haou was everything he could be. Everything he _had_ been. The Supreme King was both the embodiment and the escape of his grief and anger. By integrating the pain in his psyche he had been able to get away from it. But running away from his problems never did him any good, and that was part of the reason why he didn't want to forget. By accepting Haou he had found himself. He couldn't deny who he was anymore. 

Now he was here, and drifting. Trying to become an adult by exploring the dimensions. Yubel was with him, inside him and around him. There was no way to distinguish both of them right now, but they still talked. Yubel told him that he would become strong enough to protect the universe, that all the pain he had experienced would eventually make him stronger if he chose to accept it. She told him that she was proud of him and that she would always support him. And above all, that she was sorry.

He told her that she didn't need to apologize. He had long ago come to realize that neither of them could be blamed for what had happened, at least not entirely. He had abandoned Yubel, and abandoning her had been caused all the pain and misery he had gone through, but was that his fault? 

No. The universe, cryptic and slightly sadistic as it was, seemed to have decided to erase all memories of his past life. Yubel had apparently forgotten as well, or at least been unable to tell him. The Light of Ruin had corrupted her. Her view of Love had been twisted, but how could anyone expect anything else, when all the love she had ever felt had been connected to pain? They weren't to blame. 

That didn't mean he didn't feel guilty. While the catalyst of his transformation to Haou ultimately lay in his past life, some of his actions had certainly influenced the process. If he hadn't been so dead-set on retrieving Johan on his own, the situation wouldn't have gotten so completely out of hand. His desire to protect his friends had proven fatal to them. 

He had taken everything for granted. He had thought that he would always be able to face every challenge he came across, that he would always be able to save everyone. He had never thought that one day everyone would disappear, and he had certainly never expected it would be his fault. They were safe now, they were alive and probably back in their own world, but his own arrogance had caused so much pain. How could he ever start repairing the damage?

Because, most of all, he needed closure. He needed to be sure everyone was okay, and he needed forgiveness. But would it be enough?

He knew resentment. He knew that even if they somehow managed to forgive him, they would still feel angry. Some part of them would still blame him for their deaths. They'd never have the same sort of friendship ever again. 

'_Does that matter, though, Judai?'_

'_Of course it does!'_

'_Does it really? Isn't it normal for friendships to change?'_

'_Not like this! How can they trust me after this?'_

'_They can't. At least not entirely. But is there any person you trust completely?'_

There wasn't. There really wasn't. And though he loved his friends dearly, he preferred to trust his own judgment. If he wanted to protect them, he'd have to follow his own instincts. 

'_Don't shun them. They're very loyal.'_

'_I'm not shunning them.'_

'_You're underestimating them. Again.'_

Was loyalty the keyword in all this? It was his loyalty to Johan that had caused him to enter the Dark World. It was the loyalty of his friends that had caused _them_ to follow him. It was Yubel's loyalty to him that had set the entire chain of events in motion. What made true friendship? It wasn't trust, at least not completely. He didn't trust anyone unconditionally. 

Love, then? It certainly helped, but loyalty was probably the one thing that tied him all together. And even if he couldn't trust anything that easily anymore, the loyalty he felt for them was something amazing and terrifying at the same time. He knew right now that he'd go to hell and back to help them, if he had to. 

They could see the universe now, laid out in front of them. It was magnificent, but at the same time terrible. He felt the pain and happiness of every living creature, and it threatened to overwhelm him. Yubel soothed him. Everything will be okay, she said. You can do this, you're strong. 

And it was so clear now. If he wanted to help this universe, he'd have to completely accept who he was. he was Yuki Judai, third-year student at Duel Academy, but also Haou, protector of Gentle Darkness. He would succeed, because any other outcome was simply not acceptable. 

It wouldn't be easy, he knew that. After all, if there was no force to oppose him, why would he exist in the first place? In order to maintain balance, everything needed an opposite. Without a counterpart of his own, his existence was not only unnecessary, but even harmful.

The burden he had to bear was a heavy one, but he was prepared for it. He now knew that all the events of the past few years had been leading up to this. He was now ready to start his task as Protector.

It wouldn't be like before, though. Time and time again, he had gotten involved without actually wanting it. The universe just decided it needed a hero, and sent him in. Most of the time he hadn't even known what was going on, or why every force in the world wanted to get a piece of him. And somehow it had been his job to solve it all.

He'd had enough of that. All the cosmic forces apparently saw him as their pawn. Something useful that could be thrown in to restore balance. Well, that was too bad, because Yuki Judai was no one's pawn. He would fight, but only on his own terms. 'Cause if there was one thing he was good at, it was defying destiny. He had never backed down for anything, and he certainly wasn't about to start now.

'_Yubel?'_

'_What is it, Judai?'_

'_Do you think it's time to go back?'_

'_Only if you want to, Judai. Only if you want to.'_

This time, it would be his choice.

* * *

For Wendy, Happy Holidays. 

Also, for Guo Wei Heng, who is in desperate need of closure. 

* * *

I decided to post this now, I'm still not completely sure about it, but I figured I could keep re-reading _ad infinitum_, and it still wouldn't help. (Also, I wanted to get this posted before GX officially ends)

Reviews are, once again, appreciated, but I'm not asking for them. If you want to review though, by all means, go ahead. I'd just like to note that I like constructive criticism best. Any hints to improve this would be very much appreciated.

Flames will be used to brighten my day. 


End file.
